It looks like we made it. (barely)

Well, this past weekend, as most of you know, was memorial day. It was also my birthday yesterday. The hippy’s birthday was Sunday. We had planned MONTHS ago that we were going to go to this same little spot where we went hunting this past winter, on our birthdays. Well, we did.

We got to camp at about 2:00 pm Saturday. We decided to stay both Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday was spent mostly getting the fire ready for cooking, setting up tents, getting the two four-wheelers ready, and finally, cooking. We had steaks that were absolutely amazing. I almost cried on several occasions while eating it. We brought 6 cases of beer, and a couple of bottles of whiskey; for all 5 of us. Since we started drinking beer at about 2:00 on Saturday, by the time it was getting dark, we were hammered drunk. What should we do…what should we do??? RIDE FOUR-WHEELERS. Keep in mind that this is my second time to be in that camping spot and on those dirt roads. To get to our camping spot, it’s about 8-10 miles off of the paved road.

Well, ride four-wheelers, we certainly did. We rode them around, with the hippy as our leader. He’s the one who knew all the roads and trails. We found these 2 humongous logging tractors; and of course, tried to start them up, with no success. I ask the driver of the four-wheeler that I was on the back of if he minded if I drove. He didn’t care. We switched places, and he started screaming, “haul ass! haul ass!” Guess what we did… We hauled ass. We hauled ass until we didn’t know where in the hell we were. We decided to turn around, because we were both pretty certain that we were going to wrong direction. While turning around, I apparently hit the kill-switch. I didn’t know how to start his damn four-wheeler in the first place. Well, that night, he didn’t either. We were stuck, lost, out of beer, no weed, no water, no food……. I ask you, my friends, what would you do? Probably not what we did.

We decided to sleep. We waded off into the woods to get something to burn, and drug it back to the road. Everything we found to burn was soaking wet. We finally got a good fire started (in the middle of the dirt road), and laid down and slept (in the middle of the dirt road). We had slept, what I guess to be about an hour, when I was awakened by headlights. What in the hell were headlights doing coming down a road? Crazy idiots. I jumped up, and started trying to move the four-wheeler out of the middle of the road. After successfully moving the four-wheeler, I started to kick my friend telling him we needed to get out of the road (you’d think that would be obvious). It took 3 pretty solid kicks to get him back to life.

“We have to get out of here, man”, I tell him. So, we start walking down the road with not really any idea if we were walking in the right direction. He was tired and so was I, so we started looking for a place to sleep, that was slightly off the road. He pointed at one very nice spot, but it happened to be down lower than the road, and I was concerned that our friends wouldn’t see us if they came looking. We kept walking. We came upon another spot that was flat and close to the road (without actually being in it). So we started building a fire; with more wet burning materials. Once again, we got a fire going out of completely wet burning supplies. I’m talking about wet leaves, wet sticks, and wet logs. The only thing that saved our ass was the pack of king-sized Rizlas hidden away in my pocket. Within about 10 minutes, we had a decent fire going. I took my shirt off, and laid on it. I was awakened several times by bugs crawling on me.

We got lost at about midnight, as soon as the sun came up, we were up and walking again. We came upon 2 camps where all the campers were still asleep. The third one we came across, everyone was alive and moving around. We made some small talk, told them our embarrassing story, and asked for some help getting back to the four-wheeler. It’s a little bit hard for someone to give us advice on how to get back to our camp – WHEN WE DON’T KNOW WHERE WE WERE CAMPING!

We got back to the four-wheeler, and our nice new friends graciously showed us the kill-switch being off. Once we got the four-wheeler going, we figured out very soon where we were, and hauled ass back to camp. When we got there, of course the other friends were freaking out, and my special lady friend looked like she was going to punch me.

That is when we found out the rest of the story (what happened at camp the night we slept in the road). The other two guys on the four-wheeler got back to camp expecting us to be there. So they just waited, and started drinking whiskey and waiting. The hippy got belligerently drunk, and wanted to come find us; he was simply too fucking hammered. He and the special lady friend got into a screaming match because he accused her of not caring that we were dying out in the woods somewhere. The hippy got into his truck and started driving it away from the road, and deeper into the very thick woods. The special lady friend took the hippy’s keys away, because he got so angry, he started ramming his own truck with his four-wheeler. He got very angry about this, and again accused the others of not caring that we were dying out in the woods. Unbeknown to them, he had an extra key in his wallet.

I have no idea what else happened, but I wouldn’t trade this past weekend for anything.

I’m an idiot. We’re idiots. ….sleeping in the middle of the road….PAH!

-Beans™

Cheer up, boys. Your make up is running.

Sorry about the temporary outage of Beans and Mary Jane. Shit happened that was not in my control.

Yesterday, my appointments cancelled, and it was a beautiful day. I hate wasting a good day; much less a BEAUTIFUL day. I called the hippy to find out what was going on. He was off work, and I was close enough. We couldn’t come up with a plan, so we decided to get some beer and talk about it. We killed a 12 pack and decided we needed to be out of town. We went to the river, smoked and drank. I had to go get some groceries for my sick special lady friend, so we left the country, and headed back to town. We were too damn late, and the pharmacy was closed.

When we got back home, we got the rest of the beers and headed back to the country. We climbed a big hill, hoping to be on the top of the bluff by sunset. We didn’t make it. I’d never been to this particular bluff, but the hippy had. We sat on top of a big old rock and built a nice fire; you know, on account of it being all dark and stuff. We sat up there and drank beers, smoked and watched the fire for probably an hour or so. Well, we only had 4 beers left (out of the 30 that we’d bought yesterday), it was dark, and I wasn’t completely sure how well I could walk. Turns out that I could walk just about as well as the hippy. When we started walking back, I didn’t know north from south, let alone east from west. I was lost already. We meandered throughout the woods until I finally asked, “Do you know where we are?”. He said yes, but I wasn’t convinced. The trip back down the mountain took much longer than the trip up the mountain. I was carrying an ice chest with 4 beers in it. We had no flashlights. I fell about 3 or 4 times on the way back to the truck. Once I stepped off of a large drop off; another time, I tripped over a log. One particular time, my leg got hung up and I fell (with the ice chest), did a couple of summersaults and hit the left temple of my head on a tree. I have a couple of large lumps on my head that are decorated with scrapes. I look so lovely right now. 
The hippy was falling all over the woods, too. “We’re going to have to sleep out here,” I finally say. Actually, I said that more than once. I really kind of wanted to. Eventually, we stumbled onto a trail (that we’d never seen) and followed it down to the main road.

I don’t guess I’ve ever been lost in the woods like that before. It was pretty cool. I was about to go Man vs. Wild, and start eating worms, drinking my own piss, and playing with dangerous animals. It was a CRAZY Monday. My head hurtses.

-Beans™

For your listening pleasures…